You know that dream you have where you are running in the dream but you aren't really moving, it's like you are mired in sand and no matter how hard you try you just can't move? Yeah? Well welcome to my "awake" life.
This is how the blog post originally started a few weeks ago and then we had the death of Robin Williams. There was so much back and forth regarding depression, suicide, what can be done?, was he selfish? was he a coward? and so on and so on.
At the time I had too many thoughts swirling around in my head for me to articulate what it is like for a person who suffers from depression and battles on a daily basis with thoughts of suicide. My first inclination was to defend Mr. Williams and try to explain the depth of hell he must of sunk into, to have committed suicide but then that would have betrayed my own thoughts people would have overreacted and they would never have heard my message. (let me state right here I am not going to commit suicide but however difficult this is for you to read, you must read it through and LISTEN so you can understand and possibly help someone you love that suffers from depression)
Depression is not something we chose to have, for some it is a chemical imbalance and can sometimes (and I stress sometimes) be helped with medications. For others we have lived through an event or years of events that no one should have to endure and we are broken (and don't let pretty quotes fool you, people can be broken especially when they are children. There are some things that can never be fixed).
Those that suffer from Depression don't ask for it, and we struggle with it the same way others struggle with their diseases. People would never say to a diabetic or cancer patient "just suck it up", but people that have Depression hear this ALL the time. It might not be as blunt as that, but in more subtle discussions that is what we hear. This only isolates us more and makes our struggle that much more difficult.
When someone commits suicide you often hear family and friends say "we never saw it coming, how did we miss this?". I will tell you how. We are the masters at hiding our emotions. I can tell you right now that my friends and family are reading this right now with astonishment. They have no idea that I have struggled for years and that every minute of every day in my head I have to push myself through the day. There are days that just getting out of bed takes extraordinary conversations in my head and great feats courage. People rely on me, my kids, my husband and my clients. All of them will tell you I am the strongest person they know, reliable, loyal, hardworking, blah, blah blah. I will tell you I am a fraud. I put on a different face for each person, whatever it is that they need that is what I will be... just to get through the day. This is how we live.... and it is exhausting. I can only imagine how Robin Williams felt with all those people relying on him and how many masks he had to wear, it gets very, very heavy.
On those days when it gets too heavy and I want to give in I hold on to something, anything. I think about what would happen if I wasn't around. I think about my daughter and how things would be for her and say "ok, today is not the day" (I think sometimes she picks up my vibe and she does these things sometimes, just offhand and she grounds me, like I am a balloon and she grabs my string just in time). Other days it is something as simple as the dry cleaning won't get picked up. It may sound trivial but this is what we do to survive. We are not selfish or weak for thinking this way we are just tired.
I see others on the street, in the store, at the coffee shop, I can see it in their eyes, I know their struggle. I just want to go and gently grab their should and without a word and nod and let them know I understand because sometimes that is all we need.
Most of us would just like a "soft place to land". I for one have never had that, most of my life (even as a small child, especially as a child, I was under attack on a daily basis so I always had to ready). I wait for the "other shoe to drop", personal relationships are black and white and loyalty is key. I remember having a conversation once with someone that had never worked with me before, we had been thrown together quickly and despite usually being on opposite sides, I really liked him. Out of the blue he said to me "I have never met anyone quite like you, you are on constant alert, either they are on your side or they are against you, there is no neutral. His words struck me because it sounded harsh but that is how I have survived all these years. A "soft place to land" is not an option for me, I'm afraid if I "landed" I would never be able to get up.
Remember when people suffer from other illnesses their families rally around them, communities set up dinners and prayer chains are spread through social media. They have support systems and people understand that they are ill. Those that suffer from Depression are ill but do not have those same comforts. Don't get me wrong some families are supportive but they don't treat Depression the same way as other illnesses. You would never tell a diabetic they don't need insulin or a cancer patient not to go get chemo but many people with depression are told they just "need to be stronger" "find something to focus on" and it will get better. It doesn't work that way. So we don't discuss how we feel which further isolates us.
In parting I need you all to keep in mind when you start judging, or stating your opinion about Robin Williams' death (or anyone else who commits suicide or even about someone who suffers from Depression). When someone with Cancer, or other fatal illness succumbs to that illness, they are surrounded by friends, family and they are comforted as they depart. Those that finally succumb to Depression live their final moments alone, isolated, swallowed in despair. The way they have lived their life, this time they just had nothing left in them stay. This is not a reflection on their love for their families or their courage, they just gave in to the exhaustion.
PS:
I am fine and I do not need nor want a flood of messages. I just felt the need to get this out there, give a peek into my demented mind. Also to pull the curtain back a little for those who don't understand depression.
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton
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