Can't sleep tonight

Too many thoughts going through my head. Father's Day is always a tough one from for me. This should be on those days we celebrate how much we love our fathers and honor them for raising us into the people we are today. Well I have two fathers who failed miserably (don't get me wrong they molded me into the person I am just not in a positive way). My biological father abandon me at an early age and handed me over to a monster wether he was pressured or was given an incentive I will never  know and I don't care to know (and please if him or his family members read this don't defend him and don't flame me these are just my musings not accusations).

The other, well he was a monster on many different levels. He was abusive man and took pleasure out of using his power to belittle and berate those around him. Our house was one of fear, paranoia and if you could hide you did. My very first memory is of me in the downstairs bathroom (which would later be pivotal in a court case, not the memory but the bathroom. I was wearing a pretty blue frilly dress and I was  telling my mother how much this new man scared me, I must have been only about 3 years old. Well I was right to be scared and at 40 years old this man still keeps me up at night.

Tomorrow we will be having 3 very good fathers coming to our house for a bbq and for a few short hours I won't think of my own and what I missed out on. I will watch my husband with the two dads that he was blessed with, I know that they weren't always perfect but they loved him and he knew that they were always there for him. I will watch our kids with Matt and know that they have a great dad and that when they wrestle with him or through a water balloon at him all hell won't broke loose. No shoes will drop tomorrow.

Something I wrote awhile back:

She waits....

Little girl all smiles and full of love

a blond little cherub in blue dress

she loved her kitty,  her mom

and her safe little world.

Free of demons and monsters

she slept each night with angels

watching over her,

so full of life, so full of promise.

Where did she go?

When did it all change?

Her world tilted and 

she was no longer safe.

Now she lives among the shadows

demons are her companions

monsters roam in the darkness

the angels have deserted her

   leaving her alone.

She makes her way in the world

waiting for the danger that lurks

building the fortress that will keep her safe

looking for a place to rest.

She waits for the angels to find her again

She waits for love to show her the way 

She waits for the little girl to emerge

from the darkness and into the sunlight.

Don't Judge Me Bro......

The other day we went to my son's school for a project he a presentation that his class was working on. It was a warm summer day so I wore a long flowing skirt and a flowing tank top. Now I have a fairly large piece of artwork on my back (yes most would call it a tattoo) I am proud of this tattoo and I have no qualms displaying this piece.

When we got home my daughter commented to me "Mom did you feel the judgement you got from the other mother's in the class?" I replied "yes honey I did but it doesn't matter they don't know where I have been or what I have been through and they do not know the meaning of the tattoo".

Over the past few months people have made several comments, strangers would come up to me and say "why would such a pretty girl like you do such a horrible thing to your body" and have even had family members tell me how much they hate my tattoo.

Well here is the story people. This tattoo is a collaboration between myself and an artist name Watson Atkinson. It was a two year process of soul searching and planning to tell a story and convey a journey, my journey.

As a lot of you know I have survived a myriad of events in my life that would have crushed most people. Growing up the way I did it is a miracle that I have turned out to be a semi normal functioning adult. I carry scars on the inside that are sometimes so debilitating that most days I am not sure I can take another step, fake another smile or even crawl out of bed.

Most people see a strong, confident woman who has her shit together. Well this couldn't be farther from the truth. I still wake up night in a sweat feeling his breath on my neck, can't sit in the front seat of the car without fear of being smacked in the face and constantly look over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop. With a scent, a song or a sharp word I can be reduced to a 12 year old girl cowering inside the body of a 40 year old woman. I needed a way to remind myself that I have survived the worst and I can continue to survive no matter what is thrown my way.

The tattoo that we designed was the perfect way. The Black Fairy surrounded by the wording Un Couer En Hiver is the "Me" inside the true me that holds all my fears and darkness. I watched the movie once (ok maybe several times) and some days I am Camille and some days I am Stephane. (If you haven't watched this film and like movies with subtitles I highly suggest it).  I chose Ravens since they are both known for their wisdom and darkness (plus I am a huge Poe fan). If you notice I have used both black and white Ravens. The Black Ravens represent me and the White Ravens represent my children since hopefully I can protect them from all the darkness that was part of my life.

The saying that I chose was the toughest for me since there were so many things I wanted to say but in the end I chose "There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness". My children are beautiful but would not be here without their wonderfully strange mother.

So the next time you see someone and you would like to comment to them about their hair, tattoo, outfit or such, if it not a positive comment, keep it to yourself. You don't know their motivation and maybe that crazy hat,  the different colored shoes, or tattoo is what helped them get out of bed that morning and even smile.