Darkness Calls

She could feel it settling into her bones
  the cold, the darkness had returned

She could fill her days, her mind
  sweep it away, pack it into boxes
     in tiny corners of her head

But it would always find its way back in
  winding its way, slowly at first
    with a doubt, a waver, a small slight

It doesn't take much
  since he waits patiently to pounce
    he is on the surface of her consciousness
      ever present

His cool hands caress her mind
  he whispers to her
     beckons

  She fights but years of struggle she is left weak
   it is so much easier to just let go
      give in to the cold
        dive in to the darkness

Ultimately I saved myself but my CrossFit Family got me there..... Thank you

I've read so many blog post or articles where people write about how CrossFit saved their lives. Well this is one of those blogs (kind of). When I walked into my my Box back in October I was in a very dark place. I had been slipping for months (to be truthful I had been slipping for a couple of years and spiraling for months). Each day was a struggle and not just to stay above water but to just survive.

I have always been a survivor. My childhood would have crushed most people but I  persevered,   succeeded in life, having a family and a career and for the most part I am a very strong person. I have always been able to overcome any obstacle personal or professional, not only surviving but thriving. Over the past few years through a series of setback I was not able to "reset" and ended up pretty far down in a hole I could not claw my way out of.

I hid this from my family, friends and coworkers, ashamed that I could not just brush it off, pick myself up and move on. Putting on the "mask" of Christie-Lee became second nature but was also an overwhelming burden. I gained weight and that just pushed me further down this hole of despair. By the time last fall rolled around I would have daily conversations with myself  and discuss the reason why my family would be better off without me. The lists were extremely silly but at the time they made complete sense to me. The only reason I did not go down this road is because I was afraid it would be one of the children that would find me.

I tell you this not to feel sorry for me but share my story since I know I am not the only one out there that have these feelings (they are not alone and should not feel ashamed)and even though someone appears to be strong (you have no idea how many times I have heard "you are the strongest person I know" all the while thinking I was a fraud). I tell you this story because if you are in that place you can pull yourself out.

Last October on a whim I walked into my Box. I had briefly been introduce to CrossFit seven months before but other things came up and it didn't work out. There was something different about this Box and the owner of this box was so welcoming and easy to work with after the first two sessions I was hooked.

The transformation was two-fold. The WOD's, the weightlifting the nutrition is one part of it. I love it all. You push yourself and you do things you never thought you would be capable of doing. Mind of matter. There is something so empowering about lifting heavy weights over your head, throwing kettlebells around and pushing prowlers across gravel (which seriously sucks). My body soon became Goddess like (yeah I'm hot I admit it). My mind became strong again and I knew that I was going to be ok.

The second transformation took a bit longer and was more of a learning curve for me. I am not one that gets close to people. I have very few friends and my family does not put the fun in dysfunctional. So close personal relationships are not my thing. This is where CrossFit has really changed my life. I am fortunate enough to have two Boxes so that means double the amount of people. My main Box is smaller and we have a very close knit group of people and every single one of them I am proud to call my friend. We encourage one another, we give a hand up and we cheer SO LOUD for each of us to succeed. The other Box has been around longer and at first I was hesitant to go over because I was the "nube" but one day I sucked it up and showed up for Power Hour and you would have thought I had been going there for years. We are a hodge-podge group of people but we truly care for each others well-being, we are competitive but don't mind losing to each other.

It all came together for me during 14.5. I did not think that I was going to be able to finish but I was going to give it my all. My goal had been to put a score up for all of the Open WOD's and I wasn't going to let Dave Castro beat me!! 14.5 though was going to be tough. I had my judges and I was ready to go. Well after the first 5 thrusters I was ready to quit but Jenn and Beth wouldn't let me so I continued. With their support I continued on and slowly chipped away (wanting to quit every few minutes) The rest of the Box had finished but I was still going feeling like I couldn't do anymore  the Box gave me the support I needed. They surrounded me and cheered me on for the next 10 minutes until FINALLY at 30.03 I finished. I will admit I cried. Not just out of sheer exhaustion but because of the love and support I felt from my fellow CrossFitters.

Ultimately I saved myself but it was my CrossFit family that gave me the strength to pull myself out of the hole I had fallen down. I know if I start slipping again they will be there to help me pull myself back up.

The weaker sex, the war on yoga pants and what it really means.

While waiting for the bus this morning and listening to WGAN I hear Mike Violette discuss the ban on "war on yoga pants" my head was ready to explode. Now you have to understand we have been having this war with the school for a couple of years now but for my daughter is it not just yoga pants it is her whole wardrobe. If you are not familiar with the "war on yoga pants" here is a quick breakdown (my version): apparently boys cannot control themselves when girls wear yoga pants and become extremely distracted and therefore we have to ban yoga pants so that boys will not be distracted.

There are SOOOOOO many problems with this way of thinking. First and foremost you place the blame for the male behavior on the female. I guess boys are so weak that they cannot control themselves and therefore the girl must be punished. This is what leads the "well the girl deserved it" type of thinking when she is a victim of sexual violence. Banning a piece of clothing because it distracts boys only reinforces this paradigm.

The second problem is that you are reinforcing a negative body image to girls. The bans seem to start during the Middle School/High School years. This is the time when girls are starting to be very self conscious and now they have the added pressure of the adults in the community telling them that their changing bodies are a "distraction". My daughter was told by a teacher that she needed to change her whole wardrobe (she was wearing a A&F t-shirt and jeans nothing revealing but she is curvy) because she was "too attractive" and a "distraction".  My daughter does not have body image issues and is strong willed so this only made her angry at the teacher  but if this was a girl already dealing with self-esteem issues this could have been problematic.

Instead of banning yoga pants and punishing the girls we should be teaching boys about learning to control themselves and their urges. I am sick and tired of anyone (male or female) having to change acceptable behavior because of someone else's unacceptable behavior. In our society we always cater to the least common denominator because it is easier. Instead we should be teaching respect and self-control.