Can't sleep tonight

Too many thoughts going through my head. Father's Day is always a tough one from for me. This should be on those days we celebrate how much we love our fathers and honor them for raising us into the people we are today. Well I have two fathers who failed miserably (don't get me wrong they molded me into the person I am just not in a positive way). My biological father abandon me at an early age and handed me over to a monster wether he was pressured or was given an incentive I will never  know and I don't care to know (and please if him or his family members read this don't defend him and don't flame me these are just my musings not accusations).

The other, well he was a monster on many different levels. He was abusive man and took pleasure out of using his power to belittle and berate those around him. Our house was one of fear, paranoia and if you could hide you did. My very first memory is of me in the downstairs bathroom (which would later be pivotal in a court case, not the memory but the bathroom. I was wearing a pretty blue frilly dress and I was  telling my mother how much this new man scared me, I must have been only about 3 years old. Well I was right to be scared and at 40 years old this man still keeps me up at night.

Tomorrow we will be having 3 very good fathers coming to our house for a bbq and for a few short hours I won't think of my own and what I missed out on. I will watch my husband with the two dads that he was blessed with, I know that they weren't always perfect but they loved him and he knew that they were always there for him. I will watch our kids with Matt and know that they have a great dad and that when they wrestle with him or through a water balloon at him all hell won't broke loose. No shoes will drop tomorrow.

Something I wrote awhile back:

She waits....

Little girl all smiles and full of love

a blond little cherub in blue dress

she loved her kitty,  her mom

and her safe little world.

Free of demons and monsters

she slept each night with angels

watching over her,

so full of life, so full of promise.

Where did she go?

When did it all change?

Her world tilted and 

she was no longer safe.

Now she lives among the shadows

demons are her companions

monsters roam in the darkness

the angels have deserted her

   leaving her alone.

She makes her way in the world

waiting for the danger that lurks

building the fortress that will keep her safe

looking for a place to rest.

She waits for the angels to find her again

She waits for love to show her the way 

She waits for the little girl to emerge

from the darkness and into the sunlight.