I'm Calling Bullsh*t on Slut Shaming

There has been a bit of a controversy since Kim Kardashian posted yet another nude photo of herself and Pink finally having enough decided to comment.

I have a lot of respect for Pink speaking out and I am thankful that someone is finally calling out these women that are using sex and the "I am proud of my body" bullshit to promote themselves and make money.

Salon.com then responded with a blog critical of Pink calling her out for "slut shaming" and saying that we (women) should allow other women to be themselves and proud of their bodies. Well I am calling BULLSHIT on this "new feminism".

I am going to hold myself, my daughter and other women to a higher level than what the Kardashians, Lena Dunhams and Amy Schumers of the world have brought us down to. I have no problem with women being proud of their bodies no matter the size but have some pride in the fact that you do not need to show EVERY inch of that body to get attention, money or fame.

Use your brain, work hard, show you have talents other than giving blow jobs and showing your boobs. Women like Pink, Malala Yousafza, Sadie Robertson and others all receive fame without getting naked but by using their talents, courage and strength of character.

I think as a society we have become so afraid to offend or "judge" others that all behaviors have now become acceptable and we have demeaned ourselves as women. How we can command respect when we don't even respect ourselves enough to call out others when they have gone to far. These women have ruined "The Brand" so to say. They are not trendsetters, they are not brave, they are cliche's and have resorted the base of humanity.

If you want to impress me and others, keep your clothes on, use your brain, strength and create something, break records or run a company. Until then I guess I will continue to "slut shame".

Bless Your Little Heart... and Other Subversive Women's Code

Inspired by a recent blog by Lisbeth Darsh called It's Not All Kettlebells and Kumbuyas where she discusses how women react to each other regarding competition. Her post hit home for me in many ways and I felt the need to vent the frustration that she unleashed.

These days men have been getting a majority of the blame for "putting women down' and not "treating us equally" and I have to say the issue is not men. Both at the "Box" and at work I am supported by the men, there is no bullshit, no ego. When I do something well they congratulate me and when I fuck up, boy do they let me know, but it is all good. Women on the other hand are the biggest obstacle to my success. Very few women celebrate other women's' successes. They will high five you, congratulate you but there is always an undercurrent of resentment. I find that women that are confident in themselves and where they are in life have no problem with the success of other women and will do anything they can to help them. I seek these women out since I know they will have your back no matter what happens and those are the true bad asses (and I know several and I thank God every day I have them in my life).

Lately I have run into what I call the "subversive" women. They pretend to be happy for you but in a passive/aggressive way they belittle you and put you down the first chance they get. I tried to explain this to my husband one day and he understood but did not "truly" understand how such small, petty stuff could add up and wear down a person. I have even lost several nights sleeps due to this type of behavior.

After reading Lisbeth's blog I realized a couple of things. I'm competitive, I'm loud, I'm opinionated and I am not going to let someone else's insecurity stop me from being proud of my accomplishments. Both inside and outside the "Box". I will sleep well tonight dreaming about my new PR

Ramblings from 2 AM

You know that dream you have where you are running in the dream but you aren't really moving, it's like you are mired in sand and no matter how hard you try you just can't move? Yeah? Well welcome to my "awake" life.

This is how the blog post originally started a few weeks ago and then we had the death of Robin Williams. There was so much back and forth regarding depression, suicide, what can be done?, was he selfish? was he a coward? and so on and so on.

At the time I had too many thoughts swirling around in my head for me to articulate what it is like for a person who suffers from depression and battles on a daily basis with thoughts of suicide.  My first inclination was to defend Mr. Williams and try to explain the depth of hell he must of sunk into, to have committed suicide but then that would have betrayed my own thoughts people would have overreacted and they would never have heard my message.  (let me state right here I am not going to commit suicide but however difficult this is for you to read, you must read it through and LISTEN so you can understand and possibly help someone you love that suffers from depression)

Depression is not something we chose to have, for some it is a chemical imbalance and can sometimes (and I stress sometimes) be helped with medications. For others we have lived through an event or years of events that no one should have to endure and we are broken (and don't let pretty quotes fool you, people can be broken especially when they are children. There are some things that can never be fixed).

Those that suffer from Depression don't ask for it, and we struggle with it the same way others struggle with their diseases. People would never say to a diabetic or cancer patient "just suck it up", but people that have Depression hear this ALL the time. It might not be as blunt as that, but in more subtle discussions that is what we hear. This only isolates us more and makes our struggle that much more difficult.

When someone commits suicide you often hear family and friends say "we never saw it coming, how did we miss this?". I will tell you how. We are the masters at hiding our emotions. I can tell you right now that my friends and family are reading this right now with astonishment. They have no idea that I have struggled for years and that every minute of every day in my head I have to push myself through the day. There are days that just getting out of bed takes extraordinary conversations in my head and great feats courage. People rely on me, my kids, my husband and my clients. All of them will tell you I am the strongest person they know, reliable, loyal, hardworking, blah, blah blah. I will tell you I am a fraud. I put on a different face for each person, whatever it is that they need that is what I will be... just to get through the day. This is how we live.... and it is exhausting. I can only imagine how Robin Williams felt with all those people relying on him and how many masks he had to wear, it gets very, very heavy.

On those days when it gets too heavy and I want to give in I hold on to something, anything. I think about what would happen if I wasn't around. I think about my daughter and how things would be for her and say "ok, today is not the day" (I think sometimes she picks up my vibe and she does these things sometimes, just offhand and she grounds me, like I am a balloon and she grabs my string just in time). Other days it is something as simple as the dry cleaning won't get picked up. It may sound trivial but this is what we do to survive.  We are not selfish or weak for thinking this way we are just tired.

I see others on the street, in the store, at the coffee shop, I can see it in their eyes, I know their struggle. I just want to go and gently grab their should and without a word and nod and let them know I understand because sometimes that is all we need.

Most of us would just like a "soft place to land".  I for one have never had that, most of my life (even as a small child, especially as a child, I was under attack on a daily basis so I always had to ready). I wait for the "other shoe to drop", personal relationships are black and white and loyalty is key. I remember having a conversation once with someone that had never worked with me before, we had been thrown together quickly and despite usually being on opposite sides, I really liked him. Out of the blue he said to me "I have never met anyone quite like you, you are on constant alert, either they are on your side or they are against you, there is no neutral. His words struck me because it sounded harsh but that is how I have survived all these years. A "soft place to land" is not an option for me, I'm afraid if I "landed" I would never be able to get up.

Remember when people suffer from other illnesses their families rally around them, communities set up dinners and prayer chains are spread through social media. They have support systems and people understand that they are ill. Those that suffer from Depression are ill but do not have those same comforts. Don't get me wrong some families are supportive but they don't treat Depression the same way as other illnesses. You would never tell a diabetic they don't need insulin or a cancer patient not to go get chemo but many people with depression are told they just "need to be stronger" "find something to focus on" and it will get better. It doesn't work that way. So we don't discuss how we feel which further isolates us.

In parting I need you all to keep in mind when you start judging, or stating your opinion about Robin Williams' death (or anyone else who commits suicide or even about someone who suffers from Depression). When someone with Cancer, or other fatal illness succumbs to that illness, they are surrounded by friends, family and they are comforted as they depart. Those that finally succumb to Depression live their final moments alone, isolated, swallowed in despair. The way they have lived their life, this time they just had nothing left in them stay. This is not a reflection on their love for their families or their courage, they just gave in to the exhaustion.

PS:
I am fine and I do not need nor want a flood of messages. I just felt the need to get this out there, give a peek into my demented mind. Also to pull the curtain back a little for those who don't understand depression.

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” 
― Laurell K. Hamilton

Why I love my box!!

Yesterday my sister came over and I was a little slow moving and explained to her that our WOD that morning was a doozy and she asked "why do you do that to yourself?" I promptly ripped off my shirt (I had on my sports bra) and said this is why and proudly flexed my muscles. She then fully understood.

But the more I thought about it the more I realized it wasn't just about the weight loss, my abs and my ridiculous biceps. It was about the people at my box (I should say boxes since we have two). Since joining CrossFit I have met some amazing people and seen some unbelievable transformations. We are a hodgepodge group, firefighters, doctors, nurses, business executives, parole officers, engineers, and students. You name it we've got but once you step in the box we are all the same, we are there to better ourselves, cheer each other on and possibly hit a PR.

We all struggle, even the strongest of us (except maybe Colt but he isn't human) through a WOD sometimes and everyone rally's around them to help get them through. During the Open I didn't think I would get through the overhead squats but I did thanks to Hannah and Jenn talking me through and I was able to put up a score for that WOD. When 14.5 came around I was terrified  I was convinced that I was not going to be able to finish. Just minutes into the WOD I wanted to quit but Jenn and Beth wouldn't let me so I kept going, slow but steady. Everyone else had finished and I was only at 9 and still had a lot to go. The whole box rallied around me, buoyed me up and I finished in 31 minutes.

Every day I see small acts of kindness in my box that are just commonplace. We don't think twice about it. No one finishes alone, we don't put away our weights and walk off when we are done. We wait, we cheer then when everyone is done we high five/fist bump then everyone helps put things away.

Another nice aspect is that we have a lot of families. Husbands, wives, brother, sisters, mothers, daughters (me and Emily), sons. Kids CrossFit is so fun to watch and the transformation in my son has been truly amazing.

Yesterday one of members that gave birth about a month ago (and seriously kicks ass), she brings her baby and the baby usually sleeps but this time she woke up. So mom took care of her while we did the WOD and then got her back to sleep. She then went on to do the WOD after class (I told you she was kick ass) and those of us that could stay cheered her on so she didn't have to do it alone. This is how we roll!

I am sure other Boxes are the same but I feel mine is special. You can walk into ours and you will feel immediately welcomed. You can be extremely fit, overweight, young, or old and you will feel like a Superhero when you leave.

I have worked out at gyms before but I have never made progress like this and I have never felt as good about myself. It is due to the support of my trainers and fellow crossfitters.

Darkness Calls

She could feel it settling into her bones
  the cold, the darkness had returned

She could fill her days, her mind
  sweep it away, pack it into boxes
     in tiny corners of her head

But it would always find its way back in
  winding its way, slowly at first
    with a doubt, a waver, a small slight

It doesn't take much
  since he waits patiently to pounce
    he is on the surface of her consciousness
      ever present

His cool hands caress her mind
  he whispers to her
     beckons

  She fights but years of struggle she is left weak
   it is so much easier to just let go
      give in to the cold
        dive in to the darkness

Ultimately I saved myself but my CrossFit Family got me there..... Thank you

I've read so many blog post or articles where people write about how CrossFit saved their lives. Well this is one of those blogs (kind of). When I walked into my my Box back in October I was in a very dark place. I had been slipping for months (to be truthful I had been slipping for a couple of years and spiraling for months). Each day was a struggle and not just to stay above water but to just survive.

I have always been a survivor. My childhood would have crushed most people but I  persevered,   succeeded in life, having a family and a career and for the most part I am a very strong person. I have always been able to overcome any obstacle personal or professional, not only surviving but thriving. Over the past few years through a series of setback I was not able to "reset" and ended up pretty far down in a hole I could not claw my way out of.

I hid this from my family, friends and coworkers, ashamed that I could not just brush it off, pick myself up and move on. Putting on the "mask" of Christie-Lee became second nature but was also an overwhelming burden. I gained weight and that just pushed me further down this hole of despair. By the time last fall rolled around I would have daily conversations with myself  and discuss the reason why my family would be better off without me. The lists were extremely silly but at the time they made complete sense to me. The only reason I did not go down this road is because I was afraid it would be one of the children that would find me.

I tell you this not to feel sorry for me but share my story since I know I am not the only one out there that have these feelings (they are not alone and should not feel ashamed)and even though someone appears to be strong (you have no idea how many times I have heard "you are the strongest person I know" all the while thinking I was a fraud). I tell you this story because if you are in that place you can pull yourself out.

Last October on a whim I walked into my Box. I had briefly been introduce to CrossFit seven months before but other things came up and it didn't work out. There was something different about this Box and the owner of this box was so welcoming and easy to work with after the first two sessions I was hooked.

The transformation was two-fold. The WOD's, the weightlifting the nutrition is one part of it. I love it all. You push yourself and you do things you never thought you would be capable of doing. Mind of matter. There is something so empowering about lifting heavy weights over your head, throwing kettlebells around and pushing prowlers across gravel (which seriously sucks). My body soon became Goddess like (yeah I'm hot I admit it). My mind became strong again and I knew that I was going to be ok.

The second transformation took a bit longer and was more of a learning curve for me. I am not one that gets close to people. I have very few friends and my family does not put the fun in dysfunctional. So close personal relationships are not my thing. This is where CrossFit has really changed my life. I am fortunate enough to have two Boxes so that means double the amount of people. My main Box is smaller and we have a very close knit group of people and every single one of them I am proud to call my friend. We encourage one another, we give a hand up and we cheer SO LOUD for each of us to succeed. The other Box has been around longer and at first I was hesitant to go over because I was the "nube" but one day I sucked it up and showed up for Power Hour and you would have thought I had been going there for years. We are a hodge-podge group of people but we truly care for each others well-being, we are competitive but don't mind losing to each other.

It all came together for me during 14.5. I did not think that I was going to be able to finish but I was going to give it my all. My goal had been to put a score up for all of the Open WOD's and I wasn't going to let Dave Castro beat me!! 14.5 though was going to be tough. I had my judges and I was ready to go. Well after the first 5 thrusters I was ready to quit but Jenn and Beth wouldn't let me so I continued. With their support I continued on and slowly chipped away (wanting to quit every few minutes) The rest of the Box had finished but I was still going feeling like I couldn't do anymore  the Box gave me the support I needed. They surrounded me and cheered me on for the next 10 minutes until FINALLY at 30.03 I finished. I will admit I cried. Not just out of sheer exhaustion but because of the love and support I felt from my fellow CrossFitters.

Ultimately I saved myself but it was my CrossFit family that gave me the strength to pull myself out of the hole I had fallen down. I know if I start slipping again they will be there to help me pull myself back up.

The weaker sex, the war on yoga pants and what it really means.

While waiting for the bus this morning and listening to WGAN I hear Mike Violette discuss the ban on "war on yoga pants" my head was ready to explode. Now you have to understand we have been having this war with the school for a couple of years now but for my daughter is it not just yoga pants it is her whole wardrobe. If you are not familiar with the "war on yoga pants" here is a quick breakdown (my version): apparently boys cannot control themselves when girls wear yoga pants and become extremely distracted and therefore we have to ban yoga pants so that boys will not be distracted.

There are SOOOOOO many problems with this way of thinking. First and foremost you place the blame for the male behavior on the female. I guess boys are so weak that they cannot control themselves and therefore the girl must be punished. This is what leads the "well the girl deserved it" type of thinking when she is a victim of sexual violence. Banning a piece of clothing because it distracts boys only reinforces this paradigm.

The second problem is that you are reinforcing a negative body image to girls. The bans seem to start during the Middle School/High School years. This is the time when girls are starting to be very self conscious and now they have the added pressure of the adults in the community telling them that their changing bodies are a "distraction". My daughter was told by a teacher that she needed to change her whole wardrobe (she was wearing a A&F t-shirt and jeans nothing revealing but she is curvy) because she was "too attractive" and a "distraction".  My daughter does not have body image issues and is strong willed so this only made her angry at the teacher  but if this was a girl already dealing with self-esteem issues this could have been problematic.

Instead of banning yoga pants and punishing the girls we should be teaching boys about learning to control themselves and their urges. I am sick and tired of anyone (male or female) having to change acceptable behavior because of someone else's unacceptable behavior. In our society we always cater to the least common denominator because it is easier. Instead we should be teaching respect and self-control.